This will only take a minute...

When did masculinity take a backseat to civility?
Think about that statement. As we have become a more "civilized" culture masculine tendencies have become less socially accepted. I spent a lot of time talking to my grandpa and some of my uncles the other day. For them, fistfights were a right of passage and very commonplace. Nowadays fights are not that common and people that get in fights are "troubled" or given some sort of egregious label. That's just one example. They also talked about how they were raised with firearms. By the time they were ten they all had bb guns, .22s, and other small firearms. They never got hurt or shot eachother and they were fairly good with them. Flash forward to today, what is the average 10 year old more likely to be able to do well shoot, operate, dismantle and clean a gun or an arts and crafts project like making and decorating a card for someone? One more example becuase I have a lot of stuff to do today. Why is playing with explosives or playing with fire considered white trash? Because it was once considered masculine. It used to conjure images of war heros that personified testosterone on a battlefield who were killing nazis and charming french supermodels while saving a busload of orphans that somehow got stranded on Normandy beach. Now lighting stuff on fire or blowing something up is white trash or uncivil. That is society trying to homogenize society and take masculinity out of the picture. As men and women have become more equal in society there have been attempts to homogenize behaviors. That's my theory at least. This is just something random I think about in the shower. Anyways, as females have become more equal to men in society behavior has become more equal and standardized as well. Certain male tendencies have become "uncivilized" but that's not how we're supposed to act. We have oceans of testosterone running through our veins. We have aggressive tendencies we need to indulge sometimes. Don't think I am bad-mouthing feminism. I am all for equal rights for women and I realize that it's a double-edged sword. If a woman wants to make it in the business world she has to act a bit more masculine in order to make it or be accepted. Like I said, behavior has become homogenized and men and women are meeting somewhere in the middle. I'm not saying it is a bad thing. I just don't like some of the side effects. Right now I'm just continuing to type becuase I don't want to do my homework or clean out my basement. I'm stalling.... Sorry for that. I don't think my thoughts were nearly as organized as I meant for them to be. Feel free to argue or discuss this with me.

Volcano

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=259uK-4OqWA

don't hold yourself like that you'll hurt your knees
i kissed your mouth and back that's all i need
don't build your world around volcanoes melt you down
what i am to you is not real
what i am to you you do not need
what i am to you is not what you mean to me
you give me miles and miles of mountains
and i'll ask for the sea
don't throw yourself like that in front of me
i kissed your mouth your back is that all you need?
don't drag my love around volcanoes melt me down
what i am to you is not real
what i am to you you do not need
what i am to you is not what you mean to me
you give me miles and miles of mountains
and i'll ask for the sea
what i give to you is just what i'm going through
this is nothing new no no just another phase of finding
what i really need is what makes me bleed
and like a new disease she's still too young to treat
volcanoes melt me down
she's still too young
i kissed your mouth
you do not need me

epiphany

I'm making a change. I 'm going back to basics. For a while people have been telling me what I need and what I want. I've been going along with it to make everyone happy. People have been helping me solve problems that don't exist and creating new problems. I am done making you people happy. Call me selfish but I have to do some of this for myself. At the end of the day it comes down to doing what makes you happy. I don't care if you think I have a problem. You can't fix what isn't there. Quit making stuff up for the sake of self aggrandizement because that does not fly with me.

I want to feel that hunger only notes can fill.

Listening to everyone has taken my voice away. I have silenced myself.

It's funny what little things can trigger epiphanies like this. I had been on the verge of it for a while but a bad decision or two really pushed me over the edge. Good bye sainthood, hello enlightenment. Enlightenment probably isn't the right word, neither is sainthood in that case.

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I've been good lately. Hell, I've practically been a saint. My body doesn't like this. If I can guess I would say that my Hypothalamus has been upregulating my testosterone and has pretty much quit regulating oxytocin altogether (ladies look up oxytocin, you'll wish it came in pill form). Who knows, maybe I'm perpetuating the problem to revel in the bittersweet satisfaction of it all. The masochist in me wants to wallow in the misery in order to marrinate my metaphors in it. We've all got that masochistic side that we know and love. Maybe, just maybe there's a light at the end of the tunnel. And maybe, just maybe, that light at the end of the tunnel is an oncoming freight train. I've come to realize that fuitily it trying to predict and control your future. Controlling the present is hard enough. The future will be the death of me...

She's a pretty pretty girl. I would most certainly let her pollinate me. I wonder if that will happen. Who knows? I could probably make it happen but I don't know if it's in the cards.
Flashes of her are maturing into staged masterpieces in my eyes. I watched the ocean envelop the sky. The sun burnt my flesh and set fire to the the salt. The creatures left the water to begin evolving again and the cylce continues as it has since it began. In other words, failure isn't straight, it's a circular shape composed of every fucking mistake. All the mental masterbation in the world couldn't bring you close to answering that question, but I think that's the beauty of it. Maybe that's just me. I don't think you understand. I don't think I quite understand. I'll just continue to play and fret at the same time. Never really accomplishing anything but secretly wishing for everything.

I'm cutting this one close. I thought I had done much better. I guess hubris will be my downfall. Hubris or a lack of adderol. Anyways, I have so much more to do and only so much time to do it.

Patience

I used to think I was patient but this semester has really tested that. If I seem impatient or on edge these days there's a good reason: I AM TIRED OF FUCKING WAITING AND BEING PATIENT!!!

I seriously don't want to put up with this anymore. Fuck you, Fuck this, Fuck waiting, Fuck patience, Fuck life, Fuck Death, Fuck Coldplay, Fuck relationships, Fuck Women, Fuck Girls, Fuck Dogs, Fuck Pirates, Fuck SARS, Fuck Rasicsm, Fuck Sociology, Fuck Group projects, Fuck my intermittent insomnia, Fuck homophobia, Fuck hunger, Fuck Human Body, Fuck Sociology again just for the fuck or it, Fuck Beauty, Fuck Rape, Fuck profanity, Fuck Feminists, Fuck virgins, Fuck Geese, Fuck you gallbladder, Fuck bitches, Fuck Asses, Fuck Plans, Fuck the future, Fuck improper nouns, Fuck ambiguity, Fuck giving a fuck, Fuck everything with a big rusty pole.

ps you're fucking stupid. go fuckyourself in the ass with a telephone pole.

Love,
Donnie

Procrastinating

I want to show you kiddies what it really means to rock and roll...

I have an ocean of testosterone circulating through my body. Who knows what will happen. Sometimes we just have to let go and give it everything. Did anyone ever really dream of being mediocre? We dream of being the best. I'm not stopping until you get it. Too bad no one cares! They seriously don't care about your "problems" because we are all fighting our own battles. Nice try, game over, game over man.

The waiting is the hardest part
Every day you see one more card
You take it on faith, you take it to the heart
The waiting is the hardest part

I still have 10 pages to write and 2 tests to study for. Shit
I'm proud of myself though...

Walk around the room with a glaze in your stare.
In your tuxedo suit.
I will give it a name.
Lower your defenses.
Lower your casket.
Open the door and open your grave.
Murder.
Now you're doing the waltz with your murderer.
Mediocrity is the killer.
You find yourself helpless.
Christ is not a fashoin, fleeting away.
He laid emeralds in her eyes,
but I'd already tried a bracelet made of gold
and a scarlet thread around her wrist.
Everything was wrong so we sang sentimental songs.
Oh how seldom we belong but how elegant our kiss.
We painted crooked lines,
but danced in perfect time to a love so much refined,
we know not what it is until like a dullen wine we pour into a grief know before
but never quite like this.
All I know now is regret,
it follows like a silhouette along the cobblestone behind us,
but has nothing to say except to innocently ask,
its voice delicate as glass,
Do you see me when we pass?
but I continue on my way.

Goals

I used to be a much more driven person and I feel like I've lost some of that so I'm going to start making goals and everyone will be able to make sure I follow them and help me out.

Goals:
1) Study Human Body everyday (at least some)
2) Stick to my diet and exercise program (basically keep me from eating too many sweets)
3) Learn at least 4 new songs every week

Those are 3 simple goals. Make sure I stick to them. If people know them I have people that can hold me accountable for messing up.