Lost Perfection: part b

Big bangs and sweet regrets are all that we have left.

If you're so enlightened why did you waste my time on it?

I still believe the words you say. I guess that makes me the fool.

I don't know the answers, but neither do you...

Lost Perfection: part a

What enables you to withstand the crushing banality of your trite, hackneyed existence?

I've rediscovered my lifeline. It had never actually left me. I just placed it on the back burner for a while.

Welcome back love.

I hope this moves you

Someday who I am will forgive what I've been, but I should hurry up becuase I'll never be this young again.

So I guess I should just figure out who I want to be but I can't help but feel like I'm lost in the dark. All I know is that I'm proud to be so passionately disavowed with a foot in the grave and my head in a cloud. It shouldn't be that hard for me but I've lost my way. I don't know where I am anymore and I'm being crushed by banality. I've become a stranger in my own home; happier as a nomad. I need you to guide me, show me the way. I'm fighting a war I didn't start. I want my world to end with a bang, not a whimper. Signed off as pathos: a piece of art. The world has gone crazy but I still believe.

I need you to listen. I need you to listen. Please just listen.
Every word I've ever written falls short of its intent. These letters betray what my mind meant. So just listen.
This world has gone crazy but I still believe.
I'll follow wherever you lead me.
So lead me...

Somewhere in the between

It's fairly late and I should probably be sleeping since I have to wake up early. I decided to blog even though I'm feeling hopelessly uninspired at the moment. That's life though.

I think Mike is having an identity crisis...

I've realized how self involved all of my blogs seem but I guess that's only natural considering that it is an outlet where I share all my personal thoughts for other people to read. I wanted to take time for myself to really figure out what I want from life and where I want to be. That never actually works out the way it should though. Every time I've ever said I wanted to take time for myself in my life some girl walks into my life...

The last thing I need in my life is another mentally unstable girl.

I need to get out and meet new people because I'm tired of being pigeonholed. I'm not the same person I was a few years ago but I'm still treated like it. People just like to categorize everything; it makes their lives easier.

What I need, really need, is to fall in love again. Lately, I've been thinking a lot about my first love and how central it was to forming me as a person and human being. I learned a lot about myself and the kind of person I wanted to be from that. I need to rekindle that feeling. It used to energize me and motivate me. It drove me to be the best I possibly could and work as hard as I could. I miss that raw energy, enthusiasm, and motivation.

Love washes away the banality of everyday life.

Somewhere in the between is the life of which we all dream and nothing or no one can ever take that away

This will only take a minute...

When did masculinity take a backseat to civility?
Think about that statement. As we have become a more "civilized" culture masculine tendencies have become less socially accepted. I spent a lot of time talking to my grandpa and some of my uncles the other day. For them, fistfights were a right of passage and very commonplace. Nowadays fights are not that common and people that get in fights are "troubled" or given some sort of egregious label. That's just one example. They also talked about how they were raised with firearms. By the time they were ten they all had bb guns, .22s, and other small firearms. They never got hurt or shot eachother and they were fairly good with them. Flash forward to today, what is the average 10 year old more likely to be able to do well shoot, operate, dismantle and clean a gun or an arts and crafts project like making and decorating a card for someone? One more example becuase I have a lot of stuff to do today. Why is playing with explosives or playing with fire considered white trash? Because it was once considered masculine. It used to conjure images of war heros that personified testosterone on a battlefield who were killing nazis and charming french supermodels while saving a busload of orphans that somehow got stranded on Normandy beach. Now lighting stuff on fire or blowing something up is white trash or uncivil. That is society trying to homogenize society and take masculinity out of the picture. As men and women have become more equal in society there have been attempts to homogenize behaviors. That's my theory at least. This is just something random I think about in the shower. Anyways, as females have become more equal to men in society behavior has become more equal and standardized as well. Certain male tendencies have become "uncivilized" but that's not how we're supposed to act. We have oceans of testosterone running through our veins. We have aggressive tendencies we need to indulge sometimes. Don't think I am bad-mouthing feminism. I am all for equal rights for women and I realize that it's a double-edged sword. If a woman wants to make it in the business world she has to act a bit more masculine in order to make it or be accepted. Like I said, behavior has become homogenized and men and women are meeting somewhere in the middle. I'm not saying it is a bad thing. I just don't like some of the side effects. Right now I'm just continuing to type becuase I don't want to do my homework or clean out my basement. I'm stalling.... Sorry for that. I don't think my thoughts were nearly as organized as I meant for them to be. Feel free to argue or discuss this with me.

Volcano

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=259uK-4OqWA

don't hold yourself like that you'll hurt your knees
i kissed your mouth and back that's all i need
don't build your world around volcanoes melt you down
what i am to you is not real
what i am to you you do not need
what i am to you is not what you mean to me
you give me miles and miles of mountains
and i'll ask for the sea
don't throw yourself like that in front of me
i kissed your mouth your back is that all you need?
don't drag my love around volcanoes melt me down
what i am to you is not real
what i am to you you do not need
what i am to you is not what you mean to me
you give me miles and miles of mountains
and i'll ask for the sea
what i give to you is just what i'm going through
this is nothing new no no just another phase of finding
what i really need is what makes me bleed
and like a new disease she's still too young to treat
volcanoes melt me down
she's still too young
i kissed your mouth
you do not need me

epiphany

I'm making a change. I 'm going back to basics. For a while people have been telling me what I need and what I want. I've been going along with it to make everyone happy. People have been helping me solve problems that don't exist and creating new problems. I am done making you people happy. Call me selfish but I have to do some of this for myself. At the end of the day it comes down to doing what makes you happy. I don't care if you think I have a problem. You can't fix what isn't there. Quit making stuff up for the sake of self aggrandizement because that does not fly with me.

I want to feel that hunger only notes can fill.

Listening to everyone has taken my voice away. I have silenced myself.

It's funny what little things can trigger epiphanies like this. I had been on the verge of it for a while but a bad decision or two really pushed me over the edge. Good bye sainthood, hello enlightenment. Enlightenment probably isn't the right word, neither is sainthood in that case.