Walk

You have to give respect if you want to get it back.

When you quit caring about anyone but yourself everyone else will quit caring about you and if you keep pushing everyone away you will end up all alone.

A few old ones

I found my old journal the other day and while most everything in it is embarrassing and melodramatic I thought I'd share one or two old journal entries for you to read just for fun. I just chose these completely at random. They're not the best or worst. Just the first ones I opened up to. This could be really embarassing...

This is an angry one
12/15/07

You always act so innocent. You play the role of an angel but your wings reek of plastic and your halo is suspiciously absent. Your mask is paper thin and is noticeably worn from overuse. I can easily see past the facade, I see your real face. It is cracked and withered, ugly, just like mine.

The city walls are crumbling down now. Everything we worked for has been lost. A plague has ravaged the city and chaos has broken out. Legions of civilians adorned in masks flee from what they once called home. I am left amid the disorder of this modern Babylon, adorned in the chains you left me in. Lost and alone, I am stranded in these ruins with an albatross around my neck.

I have broken free from these chains that bound me to you and I want it back. I want back everything that you stole from me. You kept me down and robbed me of my life and for that it is my turn. I will take everything you ever loved.

OOOH so angsty.

3/27/08
I can't imagine the pain she must have known to be quietly gagged and bound in the corner as her house burnt down. Creeping softly through this waking nightmare. Mother, oh woman, what you must have done to busy your daughter and forsake your son. The flames never died they just found their way to your heart where they remain forever until the pounding has stopped. It will eat away at you until your final breath, this anger and hopelessness you are forced to live with. Clutching the pillow and breathing for air the color in her skin is fading as her screams get louder. The salt stains that line the sheets are all too clear as more fire erupts from her dry mouth before she collapses from the pain. Shrivelled up on the floor she is left with nothing more than the silence insde her when the screaming has stopped.

11/11/07
This world is what you make it, but it will never stop surprising me. I never expected things to go like this, I never knew. We seem to be drifting apart and I am left all alone. When was the last time you tried to help things? You never returned the favor. I guess I will just stick with them becuase at least I know when they're lying. So you look down your noses at me, through the masks you wear. Keep pulling my strings since I am your personal marionette and when you are done with me just throw me back in the corner. So here I sit, all alone trying to figure out how things got this bad. I realize you are the ones that changed. You have gotten so caught up in your new friends and being what they want you to be that you lost your true identity and forgot who your real friends are.

I guess I just have to move on. I have to find someone new also. It's sad but in life things are going to change. You have to treat life like jazz and just keep improvising through the changes. Make every single note count because that is yours and no one on this Earth can take that away. No one.

Nicknames/pet names

I realized the other day that I have special nicknames/petnames for a lot of girls (and a few guys) I know. Some (pretty much all of them) are embarrassing, some are funny, some and sweet. I felt like sharing a few of them:

dear, dearest, love = jennie
chili pepper, sugar = linda
pumpkin= bri
dollface, ass clown, babe = paris
royal princess, princess = katie
hun = felicia
bitch = johnna
darling = shae
muffin = anna c
platinum = alyssa
gold = lindsey
ashers = anna a
sex muffin= burke
skillz = kristin
ty ty = turiya
cupcake = rachel
wilson, lil slider, whoreson, mcfly, chewy, chewbert, dutchess of gossip = matt
logi bear = logan
the gatekeeper = peter
cat= catherine o
mile high = alison

kingdom animalia, phylum chordata, subphylum vertebrata, class aves

I want to be a bird and migrate south every winter. It also wouldn't hurt that they maintain an internal temperature of 109 degrees Fahrenheit. Besides, it wouldn't be too different for me. I already have long lanky appendages and I'm pretty much all slow twitch muscle fiber. Distance travel would suit me. Did I forget to mention it would be incredible to FLY!!

You are what you eat so I guess by that logic I'd probably be a bird anyways.

My blogs have been way too straightforward lately. Sorry about that. I'll write a real one soon enough. I haven't written a good one for a while but then again I don't really care.

I'll leave you with two questions:

1. If Pinocchio says his nose will grow will it?

2. If you met God and he sneezed what would you say to him?

This is a rock and roll take over

It doesn't get any better than this SO RUN LIKE HELL!

Have you ever...

Had a conversation where you wanted to say something but the other person never took the attention off themselves or bothered to ask about you?

That pretty much sums up the last 3 to 4 months of my life.

I'll probably regret posting this

"Don't take things personally and be kind because everyone is fighting their own battles"

I've been depressed lately. This has lasted kind of a long time and I'm not sure if anyone has really noticed. I'm not entirely sure why. I guess things just didn't turn out how I expected. I have a hard time caring about anything anymore. I can't motivate myself to do anything and I've lost interest in a lot of things I used to love. I sometimes sit in class or whatever and just try to think of reasons why I want to be alive. I know there are reasons but I just can't think of any sometimes. I know I've just gotten myself in a rut and I need to work on getting out. I've been working really hard on finding the beauty and joy in everyday life and keeping a positive outlook but it's hard sometimes. That's why I need to apologize. I'm sorry if I haven't been what you've needed me to be. I'm sorry if I can't give you the attention or effort you want or need. I'm sorry if I'm not the person I used to be. I'm sorry if I have trouble caring or putting effort into anything; don't take it personally, I seem to be having that problem in all aspects of my life. I've been trying to focus on myself and really work on changing my thinking and getting back to how I used to be. So call me selfish, stubborn, ignorant, etc but there are some things I just have to do for myself. I'm sorry if I haven't been there or been what you want me to be lately.